I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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