he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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