She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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