i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
