It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
