Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
