I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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