Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
