god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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