So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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