I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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