Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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