i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
