at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize