her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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