Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
