A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
