The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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