TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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