I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
