i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
