I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
