Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
