So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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