What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
