My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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