god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
