Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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