someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
