Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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