I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
