I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
