we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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