Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
