No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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