No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
