Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She needs sedatives and a leash
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
