Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
