What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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