just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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