happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish you could order shots online.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
