i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
