She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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