He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
