Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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