kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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