I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
