You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
