my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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