Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
