If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
farters have to be the big spoon...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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