shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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