listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up under a house in Key West
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